The Monk In My Brain

I feel so lonely. My sister is gone. The most important thing in my mind, symbolized, "Ashley".
But I'm paranoid. Smoked too much weed, the efficient cause of my anxiety, nervousness and general fearulness.

Reading so much too. Terrence Deacons Incomplete Nature is blowing my mind away with it's sophistication and analysis of dynamic patterns. I enjoy it. Love it. But right now, with paranoia, all this sophistication and nuance and delight with such abstract subjects, is part of the process of my reflexivity. I am thinking this way and that way, hyper-time. I get a rush of anxiety, followed by a sense of my fearfulness, the agitation in my body, in my heart. The heat.

This is a horrible feeling. With so much weed in me, for some reason, I perceive "more". What is weed other than the good-feeling cannabinoids endogeneously produced by our brains? This neurochemical modulates experience in a "backwards" direction, so that you seem more open to the temporality of your emotional flow. In the brain, its also of interest that the endo-cannabinoid receptors are at the post-synaptic cell, which means their influence happens retroactively, with released molecules modulating the electrical activity of the pre-synaptic cell. The consonance between the phenomenological state of "openness" to a temporal flow of affectivity and the post-synaptic effect on the pre-synaptic cell, are essentially identical processes, scaled up to the level of perception, and yet perception maintains a causative influence on synpatic-firing rates between neurons in its capacity to direct its attention, inhibit its attention, or modulate breathing to regulate autonomic processes.

I distract myself by embedding myself in my meaning. The meaning is "beyond" me something I search for, long for, cry for, feel like a baby for, and I feel the 'meaning' is something that is owed to me, something I deserve, and need, because I am a being embedded, vulnerable, scared, and needy.

The words I write also distract me. The most irrelevant thing, yes, but a technicality that sometimes intervenes in our thought processes, leading to obsessive over syntax, or correct selection, if, like me, you use your two index fingers to type.

Ashleys gone, and I really feel her absence. My body, in a sense, is regulated with her body, which I experience as a 'longing' for her. She's my sister, so my longing is of a very non-sexual nature. It's a loving, caring, playful, intellectual and psychotherapeutic relationship. It's just something my body likes, I love, and with her, just over a day now, I really feel an almost physiological "separateness", as if I can feel her absence emanating from her room, and knocking on my door. Likely an elaboration provided by the weed, but the point is, I miss her, and she's barely been gone. I still have 6 more days, so I have to just find something healthy to do. Talk at the library, for example, seems like a good thing. But truth be told, at 30 years old, I am fucking horny and always conspiring at my id'iotic times, to fuck this girl or that girl, many of whom are barely out of highschool. <-- Admitting to this, as a truth about human nature, is rarely admitted to, because people fear being seen as a 'weirdo'. Sexual ideation towards physically pubescent females is pretty normal and natural. Its a reflexive response, a tendency, an 'attraction' towards females of any physical form that matches our sense of attraction. It's there. The job, however, of a morally mature mind to regulate the appearance of these thoughts, and, even if indulged in from time to time, you recognize a fundamental hesitance to ever pursue it in action. And even despite this, its still probably best to resist fantasizing altogether.

My dream, my one simple want in life, is to write, to help, to contribute to the creation of a better world, and to revel in the pride I feel in being a human, connected to a deeper metaphysical meaning, and to be able to imbue my world and the worlds I interact with with power.

Ultimately, though, I want to meet someone. My body longs for someone to hold. I have this sense of 'wanting to hold a body' - a female body. Sensually, more than sexually. I want to be in a type of embrace that has the aura of divinity to it. The physical connectedness of two self-aware, naked beings, holding each others body, touching, stimulating, loving - and really loving, and letting all flow from what you feel to be the deepest and most encompassing expression of human experience, a sexual, sensual, and relational embrace of love.

And my deepest longing is children. I want to play my part as the next being in this long chain of beings to bring into being a being to be patterned by my being, and the being of my wife, and others whom the being of my child will grow around. What could be more meaningful? If you know how to get your emotions flowing in a healthy way, you can do it. You can use the mystery of consciousness to design good into the world, to support, help, and show, how love truly is the basis of it all. And it's ok. It needn't overwhelm us. Life can be a celebration of being, a declaration of selfhood, amidst the deeper awareness of an emptiness, a oneness, which pervades everything.